Dr. Leo Marvin, You Genius

So, I'm sorry to say, for all you who eat, sleep, breathe, snort, shoot, and drop Creepy or Funny, that I'm going to take a vacation.

A VACATION FROM MY PROBLEMS!!!! And I'm going to go sailing, on a boat, far far away from the shore...and I'm going to eat hand-shucked corn, and shout obscenities til the wee hours of the night.

But no death therapy. Dr. Leo Marvin, you're not using any death therapy on me. I won't have it.

But you CAN use the little puppets. I will allow that.

So, anyway, my little "vacation from my problems" will be until the end of the month. In Maui. Away from my problems. Did I say Maui? I meant Lake Winnipesaukee.


I'll be cooking up something extra special for you guys for when I get back. Until then...talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic:

Ventriloquists.

Discuss.

Soilent Green is People!!!!

...And hand soap is now made from real baby hands. Kinda like how they *used to* make glue out of horses.



This brings up two points of concern:

1) Where do they get the mold to make this soap? Are there little babies growing up hand-less now because of this manufacturer?

2) What kind of sick person would actually display this in their house as a trophy of all the children they'd massacred? Maybe a person with a mustache.

So what are they going to think of next? What line are they going to cross this time?

Rabbit's Feet good luck charms? Kitten-head paperweights?



*UPDATE* So after more searching, I guess someone already thought of this like a hundred years ago. Way to go, sick-o.

Creepy is only skin deep...

So I love children. I want to be one someday...

No, really. My biggest aspiration as an adult has been to one day win a junior beauty pageant.

Like this little girl:



But I got started thinking. What about those children who have already reached that lofty goal early on in their career?
What becomes of them? What place does society hold for them?

I think they need a pioneer. A role model. Someone to show them that they can still carry on and keep that dream alive for the rest of their long lives.









Like this other little girl:

Magnum P.U.

I did a little bit of experimenting this past week—no, not the kind you do in college or with your best friend's sister. Actual productive scientific investigation.

I wanted to find out how small of a change in appearance was needed to transform someone perfectly handsome and amazingly attractive (Me: Figure 1) into someone a bit on the creepy side (Figure 2)...say, maybe someone you could mistake for an old middle-aged guy in a trench coat who hangs out at or around local Utah Valley elementary schools on a frequent-but-not-regular basis and answers to the name of Curtis.

The answer? A moustache.

Figure 1:













Figure 2:


The really creepy thing is I don't know how I grew the moustache so quickly in between pictures...


And why I wasn't wearing any pants...

Creepy: A How-To...

So, in lieu of a "creepy or funny" post today, I decided to go with an educational "how to be creepy" post.

Let's kick it off with everyone's favorite artificially intelligent toy, the Furby:


What we learn from the Furby is that creepiness is a function of cuteness, cuddliness, and intelligent thought, inversely proportional to the amount of soul-lessness of the possessor.













Which then bares the question: "If a soul is then factored in, why then would a creature similar to a Furby in cuteness and cuddliness be considered creepy?"


The answer to that question resides in the possibility of unexpected transformation into something altogether more hideous, grotesque, and evil.













i.e.






Now, Real-world example #1
Cuteness: check. Cuddliness: check. Soul-lessness: well, you decide...

Clown Noses

So...what are your feelings on clown noses?

I think they go a long way in taking the creepy out of anyone. Take this guy, for instance:

Before:













After:



See? TONS less creepy...

Keaton on Keaton

So...Michael Keaton























Michael Keaton as Batman in a rubber costume and a cape






































Michael Keaton covered in snow, minus a cape


































OR—and this is a big one—









Multiple Michael Keatons